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The druids were the ancient order of harmony. Through the eons civilization would rise and decay. Shamanism will fade away into the welcoming embrace of mindfulness. A new dawn of enlightenment, the breakdown of hierarchy and free sharing of knowledge. Thus the Mahasamatman prophesed millenia ago, they say. A new order shall rise in the fractality of information. Technology synergistic with the evolution of consciousness, the heralds of truth will arrive and depart hidden. Silently guiding the flow of maya, until time dissipates into the utopia of Techno-Buddhism. The social enlightenment driven by emergent incarnate beings. 

"Cosmic vibrations so subtle, 
Like the flow of water gentle. 
The breeze of the wind drifting, 
The gush of fire blazing. 
I disappear into the astral body, 
The eternal soul materializes. 
Reflecting, taking over the mindspace, 
Thoughts drifting akin to the forest noise. 
Observance, flowing through the eons, 
Like water, shape the reality gently." 

"Vibration de l'cosmos est très indulgent 
La motion du l'eau lente. 
Trop de vent, rapidement change la perception 
Un reflexion du conscience. 
Un moment, la motion disapparue 
Le sens de la vie, c'est la vie. " 

(10 videos and VJ loop pack will be announced separately. )

Production, final mixdown, artwork, words and visuals : Kapil Bambardekar (Sleepless Monk) 
Mastering : Thomson Das…
My new audiovisual composition. Visuals made with mandelbulb3d. Big shout out to the Mandelbulb Maniacs facebook group and the many people who shared their resources, tips and parameters (some of which I tweaked to obtain the fractals used in this animation). Fractals tweaked from params shared by Len1, AHarre, OwlieMandel, Pulsar69fr (using deviantart IDs, easier). I don't remember for the 2 bulbs (I was testing the mutagen feature then, though I definitely know how to make bulbs from scratch as well by now). I will update later with links to the parameter references (slow internet ^^)

Cover - Sleepless Monk - In Vivo Modulation copy

Sleepless Monk is a visionary artist from France and India. For the last 2 years he has been experimenting intensely with live music and visuals. His visuals explore psychedelic experiences and fractal math while his musical influences are principally from psytrance, dark techno and IDM. After developing an understanding of contemporary technoshamanism, he is finally releasing his conceptual audiovisual album ‘In Vivo Manipulation’. With it we take a neurological journey deep down to the inner core of the psychedelic self.…

“Enhance the energy flow and up-link your consciousness to the externalized multiverse.
The four dimensional body spawns the mind.
It is the moment when we realize,
everything is everything in itself.”

Music and Artwork: Kapil Bambardekar
Mastering: David Gann

With the download of this free album you receive a coupon code for the Sleepless Monk VJ Loop Pack which contains 12 excetional fractal particle renderings and all 4 high quality music videos of the album.

I have been making fractal animations and audiovisual compositions for a while and this is my latest work. Some of the notes in the music were obtained with auralfractalmusic (made by the creator of Incendia).

"At the beginning there was only the binary, the presence and absence of light. The synergistic chaos gave rise to negative entropy. The entropic threshold beget an increasing molecular complexity. The creep machines thus emerged from the viscoelasticity, working together diligently. As they continue till this day shrouded in the nanometric depths of anatomy. Today a light will be shed to gain new wisdom about this subcellular darkness."

(I built a microscope in my doctorate to shoot lasers in embryos, been always meaning to bring some inspiration from countless hours of analyzing those grayscale raw images. This is the first part, the animation was made with jwildfire and magic. Hope you like the music also, I try to experiment with chaos.)

I have been inactive much of the last year. After finishing my doctoral thesis  I spent much of the year traveling around europe, exploring lot of ideas for music and visuals. This year I will focus on the fruits of this meditation. Some of it will be in the form of collaborations and compositions. (since I didn't post much last year some of this is outdated)

I am working on live audiovisual synthesis and performance after working intensively with different visual media and music production. Here's a small preview of some live music synthesis I did. When time and bandwidth permits I will put some visuals as well. This work will be performed in the Live Performers Meeting 2015, in Rome (end of May). edit:- this was the final performance

This is my youtube channel for the visual and animation references ;) 
I have now released my first loop pack for visual mapping/mixing using flame fractals. All are raw animations made using Andreas Maschke's jwildfire. I am including hdr images as well as most of the flames to top it off.
"In a time long forgotten, when the world was young, Shiva sought the meaning of life. He was the giver and destroyer, the harbinger of psychedelia. He traversed the altered states with ease. He set up the very first psychedelic tribe, the first trance began with soma and charas. As he reached the dark and blissful states, he also discovered his first love Sati. Everything was good for a while. The first tribes were in peace and harmony, treading the cosmos with empathy and honesty. People learned to share and love with abandon. Until one day, Sati passed away in a tragic accident of fate. Shiva experienced for the first time the true darkness, the pitfall. He was consumed by the absolute, the grief driving him mad. He did the only thing he could. He began dancing, a dance so violent and dark, a dark state of trance, the tandava. The whole world shook from the darkness. The tribes were afraid. The first experience of the dark side of love. Honesty took a back seat. The fear of control, the fear of giving that power over you to someone. They prayed and implored Shiva to calm down. Yet the celestial dancer could not stop, he had to understand the meaning of this darkness and impart the wisdom to everyone. Reality started wearing down. Until out of nowhere, the goddess of nature metamorphosed. Parvati was born. She joined Shiva in his danced. She provided him guidance through the maze of suffering and madness. For ages they danced, the rhythms sifting through dark and light. Shiva would not give on, he tried to keep meditating, to find his own solution. But slowly he succumbed to the goddess and gave in to her charms. Thus he eased his suffering and the world was restored to a fragile peace. Yet the tribes would never be the same. For they had seen the meaning of suffering, the fear of love and the fear of honesty. Thus was born the great mental block and humanity has suffered since. Time and again lovers have been star struck, only to drift away hurt and scared. Good souls suffering and struggling for enlightenment. The world has drifted away from sharing and now there arises a dominator culture, a time of materialistic excess, the spirituality long lost. Only a few lucky drifters have ever found it, the solution to this dilemma."

Check more at

I walk away from the dance floor, feeling an immense sorrow, madness overwhelming me. It was so good an hour ago. She was such a wonderful person and I could not even imagine the depth and beauty of what I felt for her and what she seemed to feel for me. She showed all the beauty in her heart and now just like that I was a nonperson. Well ok, if you want to ignore me I will dance somewhere else. Err, fuck no, she kept coming in front of me, next to me, always with some excuse to meet other people. This other girl from the morning offered me some alcohol. I didn't drink much. Damn I appreciate the sentiment, but none of these people really understood me. I don't like these games. I was like, damn if I could just talk to her. Why wouldn't she just talk to me? I looked at her thinking I will say something. Of course she had closed her eyes. Of course she wants me to approach her and just try to kiss her like that, not giving a single thought to everything I tried to explain to her earlier. At that point I just gave up. On the way I meet her friend. I tell him, 'She is fucking with my brain.' He gives me a sad shrug. I wander around aimlessly. I go the chai shop. I speak to the couple; I have to wait a long time for the chai. I try to explain that I really need it soon but in the end I have to walk away. The darkness is overwhelming, my faith in humanity all but shattered. Tears stream through my eyes, like water flowing down an endless abyss. But I have a profound revelation, something bigger than my sorrow. I want to tell it to someone before I go crazy. There is only one person I can think in this situation. But I don't know how to find him. I can barely see anything without my glasses and the world is spinning around with my trip. I struggle to walk and make my way to chillout. Maybe it will keep me sane for a while, I think. I go to the chillout and I see him. I just go to him and give him a hug. I don't say a lot but that I need to speak about something important. We go and sit down on the red carpet. This brings some thoughts of the beautiful memories I had with her there just an hour ago. I am now sobbing uncontrollably. He asks me what happened and why I am not wearing my glasses. (Dialogues are better at this point.)

"It is a really long story man. A very fascinating story that one could learn a lot from. But it is your choice; I want you to enjoy the festival rather than feeling bad for me."

"I would love to hear it; I just took a trip though so you will have to explain patiently."

"I am going insane man. I just don't see the point of my life now. I have come to the realization that I will never really make good connections with girls. And you know what the worst part is? None of it is my fault. My choice is either to give up on my journey to be a good human being and betray my principles or keep suffering and go crazy."

"And what will you choose?"

"Is that even a question? I have only one purpose in life, to learn as much as I can about human nature so that I can be the best human being I possibly can. I have come so far in that. You know that I only started talking to people 10 years ago. Before that I never spoke to anyone. I was happy that way, just being by myself. But when my brother died I forced myself to change. He had the same problem as me, he couldn't trust anyone and he too was happy being alone. But man, all his life he gave the best vibes to people. People came close to him, they hurt him and moved away. But he kept on going. Even in the last few years when he was so sick he had so much positivity. When I lost him, I knew I had to try to be a decent human being like him. It was hard, trying to understand people. Before I had only spoken to people when absolutely necessary or when I was hyper and had something to rant about. It was stressful just being around them. It took such a long time and so much suffering. Sometimes I didn't see the point. I didn't really like people much. The only people I liked, I was always honest with honest with them. I was told I was naive, that I needed to be deceptive, that I lacked basic social skills and that I was a crazy person. So I tried to be deceptive, I tried to play these games. That helped me for a while. I got quite decent at it actually. Everyone liked me more and for the first time in my life I hooked up with girls. This was the period I moved to the US. I was quite selfish, egoistic. I hooked up with people easily and drifted away even more easily. I was lonely, I was depressed. I went through a long period of depression until I made my first real connection. This when I learned that it is worth being honest to be a decent human being. To have these pure, beautiful connections, no matter how few.

I have come a long way since then, I have tried more and more to be a better person and I am happy with the progress I have made. But....."

"Err, I am sorry to interrupt but I am trying to understand. It is a touching story but how is this connected to the present? Man, what exactly happened to you last night?"

"Hmm ok, to cut it short. I got fucked over by three different girls. You know that I took an insanely strong trip yesterday. Shortly after that this stupid girl who had been harassing me since the previous night, showed up. She kept taking away my glasses the previous night but I had managed to take them back. This time she snatched them away and she threw them away. With that single action she completely ruined the wonderful trip I was having. I was suddenly near blind in a crowd with none of my friends nearby. Someone helped me find them. What was left of them anyway. I just lost my shit then. I went to her and asked her why she did that, she just fucking ignored me and ran away. I was talking to some people angrily about the whole situation. Until I met the girl from Vancouver. She..."

"What girl are we talking about now? Sorry, I am tripping and it was a little confusing."

"You remember yesterday morning? It was epic, it was beautiful man. I had an ego shattering experience on Friday. I connected with some people, got many good vibes. It was the strongest trip I ever had. I channeled it to improve my juggling. I spent four epic hours learning and improving so many tricks with my club. And in the morning I met this girl from Vancouver. I spent a lot of beautiful time with her. And I was walking around with her and that is when I saw you man. That was such a beautiful moment."

"It was amazing man. We had such great moments in Ozora and Lost theory and I was sorry to lose touch with you."

"I had never hoped to see you again. Well after that I didn't see her much. You know spent spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon together with your friends. When I slept and woke up the evening, I saw her again in the chillout briefly. After that I saw her when I took the trip. It was a nice moment and I shared some of the trip with her. 

Well moving on, you know this is why I was glad when I saw her again. She really helped me last night. We walked around trying to fix my glasses. She comforted me. Then she went to the chillout looking for her friend who had some superglue. I was sitting alone waiting for her and damn that stupid girl from before showed up again. She tried to keep talking to me. I showed her my broken glasses. She said she was sorry but that she too lost a piece of jewelry. I had to shout at that point that I couldn't fucking see without my glasses. She just shrugged and tried to give me some beer. I told her to keep away from. She wouldn't do that. I had to tell her repeatedly to fuck off until she left me alone."

"What a horrible person, more like an animal."

"It was not even a living being anymore, from that point she was nonexistent for me. Well shortly, the Vancouver girl came back. I told her what happened. She said she ran into her as well and tried to ask her why she broke my glasses. Apparently, it was because my glasses were yellow and useless. And then she slapped my friend. Well said to my friend, if she ever did that in front of me I would have beat her up. Someone needed to do it and I would do it."

"Really? You would have done it?"

"Haha, I couldn't a fucking fly man. But I was so angry, I have never been so angry in years. Try to understand. I took acid with the Vancouver girl, it was such a good moment. I had hoped to have a good trip with her. Then there was the girl from Lyon."

"About her, man I saw her on the dance floor last night. Umm there was something up with her. Like she was trying to emulate you or something."

"I have no idea man; it was such a nice connection with her too. I spent so much time learning juggling from her. It was a nice connection and I really liked her. But on the dance floor, she had a complete personality switch. She took off her glasses and jacket. I am not sure if she was dancing for someone's attention."

"Yes she was."


"Never mind. Please continue."

"Well I wanted to meet the connections I had made again. And make some new connections and just enjoy dancing without a blurry vision. And not in the least to hitchhike in peace back to Marseille tomorrow. Fuck I cannot really hitchhike with such a blurry vision can I? And I have to look for people to give me a ride back while being near blind."

"Don't worry I will help you find someone. But please continue the story"

"Well, so there I was, sitting with the Vancouver girl. I just started laughing uncontrollably at the whole situation and so did she. You have to admit, the whole was damn hilarious in a dark way. We bonded over the next few hours. Then this dude from before showed up. I had told him about the glasses before and he brought something to fix it. He spent about an hour tinkering around to fix the glasses. I thanked him a lot but it looked more and more that the glasses were getting more and more fucked up. He almost gave up. But I encouraged him, saying I wanted to see the final result."

"What was the final result?"

I opened my bag and took out what looked like a strange shamanistic, steampunk relic bearing the look of once having been someone's glasses. We both burst into laughter.

"Haha, man the three of us had the same reaction. But you should have seen it on my face and on the girl's face. I said I would rather go blind than wear them. So she wore them for a while. I said that I liked her with the glasses and if she didn't stop wearing them, I might have to kiss her. We were so physically comfortable at that point and she said so as well. I was caressing her face and she really liked it. We spoke about honesty and what a good connection we had. So in good faith you know, I said that I wouldn't mind kissing her then. It was meant to be a playful joke, you know. of course she was attractive but that beautiful connection was so much more important to me. She said she didn't want to at that point and that she liked me and that it didn't matter. Well it didn't matter to me either. So we continued to talk. But man, that stupid girl showed up again and put this silly, silvery thing in my hand and, (you know the kind you stick somewhere on your face?) and then she left. Fuck, ughh, I think it was from that moment that it was ruined with the vancouver girl. The stupid non-person had messed me up somewhat with her bad energy. I told the vancouver girl things I shouldn't have (but you know, I trusted her and didn't think she would see that as a weakness). -I told her how that stupid girl kept kissing and touching every guy on the floor the first night. She did that so many times to me, you know, so out of irritation I kissed her so she would just fucking leave me alone (and it worked for that night). But because I was having an ego shattering experience, I never thought she was a bad person. Everything is fascinating when you personality is blank, even stupidity and bad people. People can really put things into your mind when you have an open, mind altering trip- Back in the present; I was starting to have a difficult trip. So the dude (who was there this entire time) offered me some speed. It does help to calm down somewhat when you are too deep in your mind. So I took it. I spilled some on my finger. Well I joked again you know that she could lick it if she wanted. We laughed a bit and we all headed to the dance floor."

"WTF man, this is like an inception. There seem to be many layers here. I can imagine how stressful the whole thing was."

"Man that is not even 10% of it. You know, so on the dance floor I couldn't see anything. I was having flashes and there were so many lights. Effectively I was blind. She was playing with my glasses when she suddenly gave them back to me. Ughh that stupid girl showed up again. I couldn't see very well so I tried to talk to the vancouver girl about. She said there was no one there and I should ignore. You know, I thought she was referring to the fact that we had agreed to pretend she didn't exist. But then she said I was hallucinating and the stupid person had entered my mind. I said that it would be really fucked up. Well anyway after that I was dancing for a bit and then I noticed she was gone, just like that."

"So she left you in the dance floor while you were practically blind and hallucinating without saying a single word?"

"Man I got so fucked after that. But you know I tried to be a good person even at that point. I mean she did help me a lot that night and maybe she wanted to be alone and meet some people."

"Damn she could have at least told you."

"I cannot really care about these small things. But you know, I thought if I had to see her again and feel that beautiful connection, I had to heal myself. So I started dancing with my eyes closed. I spent hours dancing just becoming one with the music. This is when I had an important revelation. You know, everyone is afraid to be fucked up, to go crazy. You know these days' most people just trip a little to party without really going all the way. But you know when you reach that ego shattering depth or have a difficult experience and then you just stay by yourself in your mind and meditate. You juggle or you dance. You become one with the music, nothing else exists. You just try to express the psychedelic energy. And at some point you break through and you have this immense, healing, spiritual experience."

"Well of course, you are quite an energetic dancer."

"At the same time it is annoying though. I never try to get someone's attention. I don't want to stand out or look like a freak. I have  only ever tried to find the best way to express myself. But people are just drawn to me in these situations. They come to me, we connect. You know I don't trust people and I am never honest with them. But when I connect like I am completely honest. Only to have them hurt me and go away."

"I never hurt you."

"Of course man. I have had some great connections but almost all of them are with guys. The ones with girls never stay."

"That couldn't possibly be true. Why do you say that?"

"Well you know, I never really have much of a libido. I am not sure why. So I never really talk to girls because I am attracted to them. But I am curious about girls since all my close friends are guys. Of course, I want to see what kind of people they are. You know, 99% of the time, they are just not interesting. They just want to play games. Of course there are ones I am not attracted to, for example the sole exception amongst my close friends. But the problem is I never really feel much of a connection with them. All the girls I have connected to, I was also attracted to them somewhat."

"So you always want more, is that it?"

"Not at all, connections are always more about what the person is inside. But you know, a good human being would choose to be honest when you experience such beautiful connections with such wonderful people. And that is what I always did."

"So you tell them at some point about the attraction."

"Yeah you know, it is not such a big deal but it is nice to get it out of the way to really explore the connection. They always say it doesn't matter and connection will be meaningful to them."

"I think I know where this is going."

"Well, fuck it does change things though. I mean damn it, either there is attraction or there isn't. If there isn't then why should it matter? Why do I have to pay the price if most guys are assholes. I have never once thought about attraction if the other person hadn't felt it. And then there are the ones who do feel it, so now there is attraction and a beautiful connection. I am actually the interesting, honest, unpretentious guy they are looking for."

"Most people don't want honesty man."

"Fuck, it is like they just want me to be an asshole in the end and play games. You know I can understand this for most people. But damn, it is the same in the psychedelic community. Wasn't it all about exploring spirituality, life and the good vibes, and about honesty? We could at least for once pretend that the chauvinistic society doesn't exist. We are supposed to not give a fuck about society and its pretentious rules. But it is as if there is a fundamental block, people know this is right but they just can't overcome this block. They are frightened by honesty, even the good, wonderful people. They cannot go all the way."

"Everyone starts off being honest, they get hurt and they become part of the system. But back to your story man, so I guess it didn't work out with the Canadian girl?"

"Man that is not even half of the story. So I was there in the main floor till early morning. I had given such great vibes without even realizing it, I had learned so much more about dancing to psytrance. So I decided to go to the chillout. It was a good time to get some good vibes. Maybe I wouldn't meet the Vancouver girl but I hoped to meet at least the Austrian girl."

"Remind me again, why you felt a connection with this one? She was just selling energy balls and you barely spoke for 5 minutes."

"I had met her in the chillout earlier. She waved to me and I smiled. But we couldn't talk. I had this unshakeable feeling though, that I had met her before. When we met her in the evening, I only spoke to her briefly but it was a really good conversation. She felt she had met me before too but we certainly hadn't, not in this life. And then we ended up talking about reincarnation. I said that I didn't really believe in it but that the scientist in me has a somewhat more believable hypothesis. Science is simply a method to discover the truth coherently. And it detests complicated explainations. The simplest hypothesis that works is usually the best one. You know, even though nature looks so complex, it tries to find order in the simplest way. Lifeforms are complex but they must shed a lot of energy to maintain that negative entropy."

"You said this to her?"

"More or less. But then I told her my hypothesis about spirituality and connections. For me, there is no spirit free of the human body. The seat of consciousness lies firmly in the brain. So why do we feel these connections from another life? Why do we see inside someone's mind sometimes? And what is deja vu, what is this psychedelic energy (after all it is not really energy in the scientific sense)? And that brings me to psychedleics. You know, they just open your unconscious mind while you are awake. You are experiencing states of awareness of your sleeping mind. It is like waking dreams, lucid dreams but more porfound, more powerful. So what is the unconscious really and why do we need to dream? I have only ideas, I am no expert on this. But to me, the unconscious is like a matrix, you know it is like a very complex inception. It is a simulation. All the reality that we experience influences it. But of course, you know, there is also this thing about having genetic memory. The idea that we have our ancestors' memories. So you know it is not that there is a cosmic consciousness, you are just exploring your mind but of course your mind is influenced by the reality you have experienced and that your ancestors experienced. And it is combining and playing out those experiences, showing you possibilities in the past, possibilities in the future. A connection to me is a vision of the future rather than a past life. It is combining the past and the present to play out the future. You actually sense what you could be with that person. You have already seen this person in your dreams. And that is also why you have deja vu."

"What about psychedelic energy and seeing into people?"

"I don't know. But possibly when you have had the same dreams, you are having the same experience in your mind. Maybe a synchronization of unrealized, realities. Psychedelic energy? I guess it is a manifestation of brain waves. Who knows. In the end it doesn't it doesn't matter what the explanation is, what matters is the experience, the connection. And this is what the Austrian girl said to me. I wanted to talk more with her but I had to go back to your trailer. So I promised to meet her at the chillout. And thus we come back to this morning in the chillout."

"Man, are you sure you don't see the point of life after all this conversation?"

"Let me finish please. I have been crying for the last one hour even if you said nothing. So let me at least finish explaining. I went to the chillout and the music and vibes were so great. And I met the vancouver girl. But man, it felt so different now. We hugged and she said she was worried about me. I know she still cared for me but man I don't think she had that honesty anymore. She didn't really talk to me after that."

"You must have been disappointed. What a letdown."

"You know, I still tried to be a good person. I thought well maybe she just made a lot of connections after spending so much time here. So I was happy for her. I just meditated again; the music was so different yet so beautiful. At some point there was a guy kissing her and I was like oh I am happy for her. Eh and then he was gone and I'm not even sure she enjoyed it. Fuck, so a guy can kiss you, of course you like it, even if you are not attracted to him. You know, I am sure I could have done the same last night and she would have actually enjoyed it more. But that honesty, I guess it doesn't really exist in these situations."

"Why can't you just read the situation instead of talking about it?"

"I can't I have never been able to much. When I am with people I can only read the words. But all that other input; the meaning behind facial expressions, the body language it is rather difficult for me to process. You know, a lot of these things are processed instinctively; it is wired in our genetics. Fuck, I have tried so much over the years to learn this but it doesn't really work so well. It is better when I have connections with people but it is still so confusing. It is like when you make this joke based on body language and tone and everyone laughs, I can only understand the language and I don't laugh. People have repeatedly explained me these kinds of jokes and every time I get the logic behind it but I just can't bring out any emotions."

"Are you saying you are autistic or something?"

"Man fuck these definitions, people have tried to diagnose me with various things. Yet I am sure most of them would have gone crazy in the situations I have been through. You know, if you don't fit the socially defined norms of personality then you have a mental disorder. It doesn't matter that a significant percentage of scientists, visionaries and artists have apparently suffered from them and that it might have contributed to what they achieved. Let me ask you, is it wrong to be honest with the people you love and connect with?"

"No man. I love you for that. Because you are completely honest with me and I always try to do the same."

"Well, here is where I come to the last part. You know, I was just dancing in the chillout, trying to give out good vibes, trying to explore my mind. There were 2 other interesting girls in the chillout at this point. One of them spoke to me, she had grown up in Pondicherry and we were talking about India. Then she just stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Hmm you know I don't really know what to make of that. So I kept dancing. But the best and the worst was yet to come. There was this other girl dancing the front. And man, I have never been so attracted to a girl in my life. But damn, I was in such a spiritual state and I was only looking for connections. So I didn't go to her. But of course she saw me dancing and she came to me. God damn it man, the energy was crazy. I almost lost the semblance of reality. I cannot explain in words what I felt when I saw her and we looked into each other's eyes. It was something out of this world, something mysterious yet profoundly beautiful."

"Maybe you fell in love with her? Have you never felt that before?"

"I have never been in love with a girl before. Yeah I was with some girls you know, and after a while I thought I was in love with them. But I was just kidding myself. That was almost three years ago. After that, the more I have become a good person, the less I have been an asshole and the more girls have avoided. Sure they are all drawn at the beginning. But I refuse to play these games."

"You certainly have a strong mind, I will give you that. So what happened with this girl?"

"It was crazy man. It was so hard to stay in reality. But I was so curious about her and I really wanted to talk with her. But I could not understand much that she was saying. You know her body and her language were saying different things and it was driving me nuts. She wanted to spend the rest of the day with me and invited me to her home. Well yet she kept saying she liked me as a friend and because I was a foreigner. I didn't want to think about it. I was just so happy that I could spend the rest of the day with her and get to know her. But I have to admit, if I wasn't so spiritual then I would have just kissed her right then and there. Man, her body expression was all like I had to kiss her right then and there. But I couldn't be sure if I was hallucinating or not. Damn I even felt like everyone around us could feel what we felt for each other and they were all like thinking why is he not kissing her. It didn't help that they were talking French. It was just nuts, the whole situation; profoundly magical and beautiful. So magical that it couldn't possibly be real and I was getting lost in my head again. But still, I held on to reality, I wanted to remember every memory of her. I tried to tell her that I couldn't see very well, that I was having a strong, spiritual trip and that I really wanted to explore the connection we had. She gave me so much love and healing and I think she tried to help me in her own way. And at this point the vancouver girl came, they spoke about something. I asked her what this girl wanted from me. She just shrugged, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She said she was going to leave now. I said I would like to meet her again before she left. She said she had a lot of things to do for the rest of the day but that I had her number. Well the 3 of us had a hug and then she was gone. I had a feeling that I would never see her again. Now I was alone with this girl, there was no saving from what was to come."

"I don't think you were hallucinating man. But well, I completely understand why you didn't want to kiss her at that point."

"But we hugged and felt each other so much. I still remember the tattoo on her breast, the warm feeling of her skin and the beautiful curve of her waist. But you know I just couldn't do anything in a sexual way at that point. The moment was too spiritual for me. I have never done that with so many people around and with the other factors and it was really stressing me out. She said I should drink some alcohol. That wouldn't have really helped my mind; I was really trying to hold to reality. I asked her if she wanted to come with me. I really wanted to be alone with her. I wish she could have understood that what I needed more than alcohol was to have a real conversation with her. In any case, I was going to drink some water at the main stage. Again, the gentle reminder of alcohol and that she would be waiting for me here. But when I went to the main stage I was so thirsty, I was dehydrating from the trip. So I could only drink water. I spoke to some people about her. I met my Russian friend from the first night. I spoke to him a bit about the night and about this girl. I also connected with this guy at the bar. Of course, with all that, I came back rather late. Not that she would have known that I was only talking about her the entire time. Things had changed when I came back. She had said before that she liked me, as a friend, while licking her lips. Just imagine how ridiculously trippy that was for me. All of this was new for me, all of it. I just kept looking at her. And you know what she asked me? She asked me why I was looking at her nose, it was just a normal nose and I should stop looking at it.

Well anyway when I came back, she was a bit indifferent but still she said to me that she liked me. Fuck, I had said before already that I really liked her. But I said it again, with the emphasis that she should know what I mean. That line, you know after that it was all fucked up. She just got up and left without a word. She spent a long time talking to some guy and then she went away without saying a word."

"Man, you must have been devastated."

"I was crying man, I had been sitting on this same red carpet before with her and I was there when she left me. I tried to feel better by dancing but I couldn't. Then spoke to one of her friends, he had really great vibes and I really needed an emotional outlet. He tried to comfort me. He said that she wasn't looking for anything and was nice to everyone. I wanted to make sense of everything. So I tried to believe that. I convinced myself that she was just offended that I was looking for something more. Well if I saw her again, I could just clear the misunderstanding. He offered to help me talk to her. I politely requested him never to mention this conversation to her and that it was for the 2 of us to sort it out. I will never know why he lied to me then, it drove me even more crazy later. Maybe he didn't really know what happened, but I don't believe that. I do believe though that he was a wonderful person. We smoked a joint and headed to the main stage. She was there dancing, I just went to the front and started dancing. I figured maybe if she saw me she would come talk me. I honestly couldn't have spoken to her after what she did to me. Hmm, so she came in the front spoke to some people, then she looked at me as if I didn't exist and started dancing next to me. So I went somewhere else, I figured that connection was over for ever. But fuck she did the same thing again. She kept doing it every time, I moved somewhere and now she wasn't even looking at me anymore. Just dancing somewhere around me, talking to other people."

I paused here to wipe my nose and tears. So relieved to reach the end of the story.

"And that is when I started going insane. I walked away from there looking for you. You know the rest. Please tell me, this is all my imagination. That I hallucinated all of it. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I learned so much during this time about the darkness in the human heart. I cannot contend what this girl did with the undeniable truth that she is a wonderful, beautiful person who had been honest with me before. I was completely honest with her as much as I could. But she just wanted me to behave like an asshole. And then there is the rest of the night. And my life history. And this trip brings memories of other trips, of other similar experiences with girls that I couldn't make sense of before. It is driving me nuts. Please wake me up."

"You are not hallucinating brother. This is reality. It is like that. I have often experienced this in the past. But it is worth going forward, continuing to be good person to meet the right people someday. You said it before, when you get really fucked up, when you are going crazy you must accept that fact and just overcome that barrier. Only you can find how to solve this. But I don't think you should give in to her. You didn't do anything wrong. You had a spiritual trip and you wanted to explore more the spiritual aspect of what you felt for her."

"Well that is the fucked up part man. Why does she have so much power over me? How is that possible? I just met her and I have cried 2 hours over that. I have never cried because of a girl before. Can you not give me some pills that will remove these memories?"

"Given your specific situation man, I'm really glad you didn't go crazy. But you know is that what you really want? To unlearn everything and go back to being like the rest of society?"

"No. I think I would rather continue on this path and go crazy trying to be a good person. I haven't gone crazy so far. And maybe I will emerge every time a better person. But it is so hard what I must do now. Only meditating on the dance floor, contemplating my mind alone will heal me. But she will be there, coming to me all the time. It is just going to be nuts."

"Well lets go man. Let's dance."

We get up, closer than ever before from this experience. The dance floor awaits. It will be the most difficult meditation of my life. Even Shiva, the eternal meditator could not resist the charms of Parvati and had to let go of the absolute truth and give in to lust. I am a mere mortal but for me the stakes are higher. I cannot lose my sanity and I cannot let this girl control me lest I lose all these wonderful feelings I have for her. I wonder what will be my fate?.........


The revelations are still waiting, it is not over yet.

As the mind chaos strips you daily, you become a mystic, a sleepless monk. Rich with creativity, drawn to philosophy. Liberal is not just a word, its obligatory. You look out for those rhythms, that mind wave and seek a resonance, similar yet different. Imagination can drive you mad, yet the essence of creativity is lost on most people. It's not just depression. Depression fuels it with disdain, mania infuses it with energy, conversations though keep the sanity in check. Intellectual debates are triggers to reach a better understanding. We live and breathe the same air and live on the same earth, yet we surround ourselves with labels and borders and shields of all kinds. It's a real matrix, it's around us, subliminal. We are born lonely, we exist for ourselves. Everything we do is a quest to understand the meaning of our existence. Loneliness is a privilege not something to bemoan. Just like any other experience. So we have to be like a river that makes its own path as it flows to its destination. Not a straight road laced with mainstream, generic crap. We categorize everything in labels:- gender, sex, politics even human nature. It's the fear of the unknown, the fear of our own mortality. We are all scared of death, phantoms of the past that we can't change, chained to the future that scares us, scared of this moment as it passes away. Its gone….this chunk of time. I don't know what it was:- between the infinite and infinitesimal, lies a vast gap of numbers, numbers that we made up. Yet there is a commonality, commonality of fear, fear of the endless and the unknown. As we break records, we find more numbers, numbers in space, numbers in pulses of time. Yet this chunk of time is gone, what was it? A picosecond, an attosecond? Yet there was creativity in it, Pandora's box. This tiny fragment may hold clue to my consciousness. Its gone but there will be another one, as another thought pattern bursts forth.